[VERSE:] I met you, I remember But try as I may I can't seem to remember the time or the day I met you, I remember That's all I can say Was it August or September or April or May? [REFRAIN:] I can't remember the first time we met Was it cloudy or beautiful? I can't remember the first words I spoke Did I say you were beautiful? Was it Sunday? Was it Monday? Were you dressed in gray or blue? I can't remember For all I remember is you
Maybe it's because I love you too much Maybe that is why you love me so little Maybe when I answered, yes Maybe I became a bore Maybe if I loved you less Maybe you would love me more Maybe it's because I've kissed you too much Maybe that is why my kiss means so little Maybe with a love so great and a love so small Maybe I'll be left with no love at all
[REPORTER:] I've got a headline Oh, what a headline Off the beaten track A dog bit a man and the man bit the dog right back [EDITOR:] You can print what Roosevelt said On the front page for a great big spread [REPORTER:] But I've got a headline Oh, what a headline Off the beaten track A dog bit a man and the man bit the dog right back [EDITOR:] Hold the wire, it's hard to hear There is someone screaming in my ear What the hell's the matter with you and why the big enthuse? [REPORTER:] A man was bitten by a dog [EDITOR:] I know but that's not news [REPORTER:] But the man bit the dog right back [EDITOR:] What's that you say? Got no time for gags today [REPORTER:] But this is no gag, it's on the square I just this minute came back from there [EDITOR:] You just this minute came back from where? [REPORTER:] From a swell Park Avenue shack Where a dog bit a man and the man bit the dog right back [EDITOR:] Never mind that Roosevelt speech I've a headline now that is a peach It's a most important story that'll set the town agog Kill the Roosevelt spread, print this instead: Man bites dog! [NEWSIES:] Extra! Extra! Extra! Extra! Man bites dog! Extra! Man bites dog! Extra! Man bites dog! Man bites dog! Man bites dog! Man bites dog! [ENSEMBLE:] At last! At last! A man bit a dog at last And it seems to Heywood Brown That the world is out of tune That if things don't happen soon We'll all be biting dogs next June At last! At last! A man bit a dog at last And Mister Hearst has a chance To kick the French in the pants He says that the man who bit the dog was a native of France And Winchell's all agog He interviewed the dog And he says that the pretty Pom Is soon to become a mom It's a dog you hate to be with The kind you see with the rich Not a great big manly he-dog A little she-dog A bitch! Which gives us a headline off the beaten track: A bitch bit a man and the man bit the bitch right back!
[1st VERSE:] The nickels and dimes I got Have bought me an awful lot A great big box of bonds and stocks A hundred frocks, a car and a yacht But having so much and more Is getting to be a bore It's not much fun when day is done Without someone to love and adore [REFRAIN:] How's chances, say, how are the chances Of making you love me the way I love you I'd give up the things I'm possessing To be caressing someone like you How's chances for one of those glances A glimpse of the heaven I'm longing to see How's chances to end all your romances And start taking your chances with me [2nd VERSE:] My tailor's the best but he Is dear as a man can be My shoes and spats, my opera hats And my cravats are made just for me I like an expensive car And when at my favorite bar I think it's fine to order wine And when I dine, I love caviar [alternate VERSE, from sheet music:] When I want to see the boys I know where to find the boys I don't go through a club or two I just find you and there are the boys To get you alone I strive You ask me to tea at five I find you then with other men And wonder when my chance will arrive [alternate bridge:] My castle will need some restoring Ceiling and flooring, furniture, too [another alternate bridge:] How many young men must I fight with To be in right with, in right with you
[VERSE:] A heat wave blew right into town last week She came from the island of Martinique The can-can she dances will make you fry The can-can is really the reason why [REFRAIN:] We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave The temp'rature's rising, it isn't surprising She certainly can can-can She started the heat wave by letting her seat wave And in such a way that the customers say that She certainly can can-can Gee Her anatomy Made the mercury Jump to ninety-three Yes, sir! We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave The way that she moves that thermometer proves that She certainly can can-can [PATTER:] It's so hot the weather man will tell you a record's been made It's so hot a coat of tan will cover your face in the shade It's so hot the coldest maiden feels just as warm as a bride It's so hot a chicken laid an egg on the street and it fried [alternate lines:] She started the heat wave by letting her feet wave It's so hot a hefty maiden lost twenty pounds from each side
[1st VERSE:] England and Italy and Germany and France We came here to discuss the debts And we're leaving with no regrets For England and Italy and Germany and France We have more than reached our aim And we're mighty glad we came [Europe's REFRAIN:] We've had a lovely conference with the U.S.A. We'll pay our debts in silver and we'll be glad to pay In a month or two we think we can pay our debts in zinc And the next year we'll begin paying off what's left in tin Oh, how we love America for she never makes a fuss That's why we love America and America loves us We'll tell our countries what we did and they're bound to say If you think we can pay them off in wood, go back to the U.S.A. [2nd VERSE:] England and Italy and Germany and France Here's some news that you ought to know Off the gold standard we must go Like England and Italy and Germany and France We are going to inflate And we're very glad to state: [America's REFRAIN:] Let the pound go up, the franc go up, the mark go up as well Uncle Sam will be in Heaven when the dollar goes to Hell For the stocks go up, the bonds go up, when no one wants to sell Uncle Sam will be in Heaven when the dollar goes to Hell Of course, our friends won't like it across the ocean blue But we can greet our neighbors with a hey nonny nonny and a nuts to you Let them call us this and call us that but while they scream and yell Uncle Sam will be in Heaven when the dollar goes to Hell [Europe's refrain is then sung in counterpoint with an altered stanza and a half of "The Star Spangled Banner"]
Miss Lonely Heart, what will I do? I am a lonely heart writing to you Hoping that through your column you will drop me a line Saying you know a lonely heart as lonely as mine Miss Lonely Heart, hear my appeal You seem to know the way lonely hearts feel That's why I'm writing and I'm asking for a reply That's why I'm hoping you know someone lonely as I I'm so blue returning to my lonely room Ev'ry night, for nothing's quite as lonely as a lonely room Miss Lonely Heart, I'm by myself Watching the clock that stands up on the shelf Hoping to hear the news that you know somebody who Watches a clock and whispers "I'm a lonely heart too"
[VERSE:] Sunday is Sunday to my family But Sunday is not simply Sunday for me For Sunday's the one day when I love to see the funnies Breakfast is nothing of which you can boast But breakfast to me isn't coffee and toast It's coffee and toast and what I love the most, the funnies [REFRAIN:] Oh, I love the funnies I couldn't go without the funnies A cup o' coffee to my lips and in between the sips The papers with the capers that are in the comic strips Which means I'm simply mad about I mean I couldn't do without the funnies Oh, in my pajamas I love to read the "Katzenjammers" A little coffee in a cup and "Bringing Father Up" I'm dippy over "Skippy" and his little yellow pup Which means I'm simply mad about I mean I couldn't do without the funnies I'm not concerned with the news of the day The stories of who murdered who And for the columns what they have to say I have no need of I don't want to read of The guys and all their honeys The wealthy daughters or the sonnies The news about the lovely trips that people take in ships I'd rather read about the people in the comic strips Which means I'm simply mad about I mean I couldn't do without the funnies [alternate lines:] And as for what Mister Hearst has to say The Dempseys or the Tunneys
[VERSE:] Never saw you look quite so pretty before Never saw you dressed quite so lovely what's more I could hardly wait to keep our date this lovely Easter morning And my heart beat fast as I came through the door For [REFRAIN:] In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade I'll be all in clover and when they look you over I'll be the proudest fellow in the Easter parade On the Avenue Fifth Avenue The photographers will snap us And you'll find that you're In the rotogravure Oh, I could write a sonnet about your Easter bonnet And of the girl I'm taking to the Easter parade [alternate bridge for Great Britain:] To the Park we'll go Round Rotten Row The photographers will snap us And then you'll be seen In the smart magazine
Supper time I should set the table 'Cause it's supper time Somehow I'm not able 'Cause that man o'mine Ain't comin' home no more Supper time Kids will soon be yellin' For their supper time How'll I keep from tellin' Them that man o'mine Ain't comin' home no more? How'll I keep explainin' when they ask me where he's gone? How'll I keep from cryin' when I bring their supper on? How can I remind them to pray at their humble board? How can I be thankful when they start to thank the Lord? Lord! Supper time I should set the table 'Cause it's supper time Somehow I'm not able 'Cause that man o'mine Ain't comin' home no more
Who are we And what are we doing here? Wait and see We're going to make it clear We're the new millionaires who will sit in the chairs That were once occupied by the old millionaires Where are they The people who had the cash? They can't pay They lost it all in the crash Their sables and their foxes have all been put in pawn So we bought up their boxes for the opera must go on And instead of Mister Belmont, Mister Gould, and Mister Kahn There's Mister Reuben, a Cuban who runs a delicatessen store The man which a sandwich made famous And there is Mister Klein, you've seen the sign on Union Square The women's wear he sells made him a millionaire And a first-night patron of the opera The most expensive box was bought by William Fox A fella named Nat Lewis who deals in ties and socks Will occupy the chair a Vanderbilt sat upon He'll be there to help them all carry on Those gentlemen who force you to buy their Scotch and rye Are in the diamond horse-shoe, would you like to know just why? It seems a large delegation couldn't get a donation from Otto Kahn And so the racket said we will back it They came across because the opera must go on
[BRIDESMAIDS & USHERS:] Ten little bridesmaids, ten little ushers Marching side by side We gave our promises to come to Saint Thomas's And usher for the bridegroom And bridesmaid for the bride From a hundred we were chosen and we're very glad we were For this is the most important wedding on the social register It's a perfect match He was quite a catch For the bridegroom is a member of the best of families And the lovely bride On her mother's side Is a first or second cousin of the Astors, if you please Cholly Knickerbocker says this is a smart affair Cholly will be there Knee-deep in Vanderbilts It is plain to see, it is plain to see Why we're proud to be, why we're proud to be The selected few picked from Who's Who To come here side by side And usher for the bridegroom And bridesmaid for the bride Now we must go into church and see the groom and bride Standing side by side Knee-deep in Vanderbilts For the happy pair, for the happy pair Will be waiting there, will be waiting there So we can't be late, we mustn't wait The knot will soon be tied Champagne for the bridegroom And babies for the bride [1st VERSE:] [GROOM:] Wake up, sleepyhead Tumble out of bed Wake up, don't be so slow Bells go ting-a-ling Let's be hurrying Off to church we must go [REFRAIN:] Sun's in the sky, don't you know why? This is our wedding day Birds in their nest are singing their best For we're going to be married Flowers are in bloom and the perfume Speaks of a bride's bouquet Spread the good news with rice and old shoes For this is our wedding day [2nd VERSE:] [BRIDE:] I'm so sleepy, dear Won't you make it clear Why you're shaking me so Please, dear, cut it out What's it all about? [GROOM:] Off to church we must go
[VERSE:] Em'ralds in my bracelets and diamonds in my rings A Riviera chateau and a lot of other things And I'm blue, so blue am I Lots of ready money in seven diff'rent banks I counted up this morning, it's about a million francs And I'm blue, so blue, and I know why [REFRAIN:] I've got Harlem on my mind I've a longing to be lowdown And my "parlez-vous" will not ring true With Harlem on my mind I've been wined and I've been dined But I'm heading for a showdown 'Cause I can't go on from night to dawn With Harlem on my mind I go to supper with a French Marquis Each evening after the show My lips begin to whisper "Mon Cheri" But my heart keeps singing "Hi-de-ho" I've become too darn refined And at night I hate to go down To the high-falutin' flat that Lady Mendel designed With Harlem on my mind [Transcript of Ethel Waters' version:] [VERSE:] Em'ralds in my bracelets, diamonds in my rings A Riviera chateau and a lot of other things And I'm blue, so blue am I Lots of ready money in seven diff'rent banks I counted up this morning, it was 'bout a million francs And I'm blue, so blue, and I know why [1st REFRAIN:] I've got Harlem on my mind And I'm longin' to be lowdown And my "parlez-vous" will not ring true With Harlem on my mind I've been dined and I've been wined But I'm headin' for a showdown 'Cause I can't go on from night to dawn With Harlem on my mind I go to supper with a French Marquis Each evening after the show My lips begin to whisper "Mon Cheri" But my heart keeps singin' "Hi-de-ho" I've become too damned refined And at night I hate to go down To that high-falutin' flat that Lady Mendel designed With Harlem on my mind [2nd REFRAIN:] I've got Harlem on my mind And I'm longing to be lowdown And my "parlez-vous" will not ring true With Harlem on my mind I've been dined and I've been wined But sure as your born I'm headin' for a showdown 'Cause I can't go on from night to dawn With Harlem on my mind And when I'm bathing in my marble tub Each evening after the show I get to thinkin' 'bout that Cotton Club And my heart starts chirping "Hi-de-ho" Help me! I've been too damned refined And at night I hate to go down To that flat with fifty million Frenchmen taggin' behind With Harlem on my mind
[VERSE:] My mother was frightened by A snoopy neighbor who poked his eye Through mother's keyhole and that is why I am what I am today The man who looks through the keyholes along Broadway My job is to be alert And get the lowdown on all the dirt The dirt that gathers on Broadway's skirt For that's how I earn my pay The man who looks through the keyholes along Broadway [1st REFRAIN:] Would you like to take a look through a keyhole? If you'd like to get the in on the latest bit of sin, have a look Life is like an open book through a keyhole If you wonder what occurs 'ere the lady gets her furs, have a look Angry people who think they're tough Start to threaten but that's a bluff They may holler but they won't stuff up their keyhole So come on and have a look through a keyhole If you'd like to get a view, view of who is cheating who, have a look [2nd REFRAIN:] So come on and have a look through a keyhole If you want to see New York getting ready for the stork, have a look Life is like an open book through a keyhole If you want to get a load of the husband on the road, have a look Lovely ladies of ev'ry kind Think they're safe when they pull the blind I see just what is on their mind through a keyhole So come on and have a look through a keyhole If you'd really like to know how she got into the show, have a look
At last! At last! Something new in the show at last Something new, if you please We won't pull the same old wheeze We mean that we won't reprise The chorus of one of the melodies At last! At last! Here's a show that'll end at last Without a reprise and that's news They looked up the Constitution and they couldn't find a word That said we had to sing a song that you'd already heard The finest legal minds have met and everyone agrees That when we reach the finale we don't have to sing a reprise At last! At last! We've come to the end at last It'll all be over soon But we don't intend to croon The composer's favorite tune The one they sang beneath the moon Now we'll explain a reprise It's that certain song they sing all through the show And the one they sing again before you go But the judges met and everyone agrees That we will have to end without a reprise Yes, we will have to end without a reprise In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it You'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade No, you can't do that You can't do that You can't sing again about your Easter hat We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave The temp'rature's rising, it isn't surprising She certainly can can-can No, you can't repeat You can't repeat You can't sing again about the can-can heat I've got Harlem on my mind And I'm longing to be lowdown No, you can't do that You can't do that Because if you do we're gonna leave you flat Never mind that introduction for we don't intend to sing The chorus of "How's Chances?" as it wouldn't mean a thing We'd like to sing a song that wasn't written for the score A simple little chorus that they haven't heard before A simple little chorus that you haven't heard before: [REFRAIN:] Not for all the rice in China Not for all the grapes in France Would I exchange the pleasure That I get with every measure When we dance Not for all the kilts in Scotland Not for all the bulls in Spain Would I give up arriving At your house although you're driving Me insane Not for all the onions in Bermuda Or the cheeses that are made by the Swiss Would I exchange that first kiss That you gave me Not for all the beans in Boston Not for all the steaks in Moore's Would I agree to part with All the joy you filled my heart with When you said, "I'm yours" [Alternate line:] Not for all the knobs on doors
[VERSE:] I guess there's nothing to do and nothing to say But simply go on my way And call it a day I guess I'm ready to go right back on the shelf Because at last I've learned where you're concerned I've just been fooling myself [REFRAIN:] I never had a chance I thought you cared for me But now I see I never had a chance I never had a chance Though you never told me so Somehow I know I never had a chance I knew we'd have to part For I could always reach your lips But I could never reach your heart My dream about romance Ended in a friendly chat But more than that I never had a chance
[VERSE:] I met you and ever since You've been on my mind I'm getting nowhere and it's not my fault You seem to take me with a grain of salt You're not easy to convince You're the doubting kind Why don't you believe Nothing's up my sleeve? [REFRAIN:] Oo, I'm head and heels in love with you, so help me! Oo, I'm gonna stick to you like glue, so help me! Though you never told me where I stand You're a part of ev'rything I've planned And Oo, I'm gonna make your dreams come true, so help me! Oo, I'm gonna make you love me, too But darling, maybe I've bitten off much more than I can chew And I may need a lot of help So help me!