Louisiana Purchase (1940)

Apologia (Opening Letter, Opening Chorus)

[Stage version:]
[Opening Letter]
[Secretary:]
Mister Lebowitz's office
He's busy
Who shall I say?
Yes, sir 
I'll be glad to
I'll tell him
Okay

[Lawyer:]
Take a letter to Mr. B. G. DeSylva
My dear Mister DeSylva
I've read the book of your show
And as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know
That you're skating on very thin ice
And since you've asked my advice
Let me warn you it can't be done
I know it's all in fun
But there is a state called Louisiana
And anyone can tell
That both your acts are based on facts
And they're gonna be sore as hell
You won't get away with it -- they'll sue
You and Ryskind and Berlin, too
Because
There are laws
Laws that specifically say
You can't write a book or a play
Based on characters living today
And that's what you've done
I know it's in fun
But, for instance, the very first scene
The character you call the Dean
You've changed the name but just the same
They're going to know who you mean
And you won't get away with it, oh no
The minute you open they'll close the show
And they'll sue
They'll sue
You and Ryskind and Berlin, too
And the cast will go to jail
Of that I have no doubt
But speaking as your attorney 
Let me say that there is a way out
You can make the whole thing legal
Without changing a line in your book
It can still be Louisiana
You can call a crook a crook
But you must say it's based on fiction
And everything will be fine
Yours truly, Sam Lebowitz
Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien

[Opening Chorus]
[Louisianans:]
Before we start the show
We'd like to have you know
The characters portrayed 
In our musical charade
Have not been based on persons living or dead
They've all been made up out of the author's head
Instead
The things that we reveal
Never happened, they're not real
In spite of what you've heard or what you've read

The politicians we investigate
Could come from Maine or Kansas, or Montana
So we laid our story in a mythical state
A mythical state we call Louisiana

Within our simple plot
You'll notice quite a lot
Of references to crooks 
Who have monkeyed with their books
And with those gentlemen we're not too gentle
If they seem like men you've read about 
It's purely accidental

The law says shows like this one can get by 
With one restriction
It must be fiction
We've tried to stay within the law, that's why
We laid the scenes
In New Orleans
A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss
If there is such a place, it's certainly news to us

Again, the same old word
No matter what you've heard
The villains in our show
Are just characters, and so
If an arrow seems to strike 
Someone who's investigated
If he looks to you just like
Someone to whom you're related
Don't go out and sue
We don't mean you
It's fiction so don't be temperamental
If your sons are millionaires 
Don't start trembling in your britches
When a character declares
That you're dirty sons of riches
Don't go out and sue
We don't mean you
The likeness is purely accidental

So, please bear this in mind
Our show is of the mythical kind
The book is mythical
The score is mythical
To make them mythical was our only chance
The girls are mythical
The boys are mythical
And now we'll let our mythical show advance
And go into our mythical dance

--------------------------

[Film version:]
[Opening Letter]
[Lawyer:]
Take a letter to Paramount Studios, Hollywood
Gentlemen,
I've read the book of your show
And as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know
That it really can't be done
I know it's all in fun
But there is a state called Louisiana
And anyone can tell
That they're gonna be sore as -- 
Well, you won't get away with it -- they'll sue
You and the writers and the actors, too
Because
There are laws
Laws that specifically say
You can't write a book or a play
Based on characters living today
Yes, the cast will go to jail
Of that I have no doubt
But speaking as your attorney 
Let me say that there is a way out
You can make the whole thing legal
Without changing a line in your book
It can still be Louisiana
You can call a crook a crook
But you must say it's based on fiction
And everything will be fine
Yours truly, Sam Horowitz
Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien

[Opening Chorus]
[Louisianans:]
Before the picture starts
We say with all our hearts
The characters portrayed 
In our musical charade
Have not been based on persons living or dead
They've all been made up out of the author's head
The politicians we investigate
Could come from Kansas, Maine or Indiana
So we laid our story in a mythical state
A mythical state we call Louisiana
Within our simple plot
You'll notice quite a lot
Of references to crooks 
Who have monkeyed with their books
The law says shows like this one can get by 
With one restriction
It must be fiction
We've tried to stay within the law, that's why
We laid the scenes
In New Orleans
A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss
If there is such a place, it's certainly news to us
Yes, it's certainly, certainly news to us
Mythical! Mythical!
Fiction!  Fiction!
Mythical! Mythical!
Fiction!  Fiction!
Mythical! Fiction!
Mythical! Fiction!
Aaaaah!


Sex Marches On

The horse and buggy has had its day
The trolley has passed away
The bicycle built for two is gone
But sex, S-E-X, marches on

The town is crowded with gentlemen
Who'll never be rich again
They're putting their overcoats in pawn
But sex, S-E-X, marches on

The opera can't make money at the Met
And no one gives a hoot
But Billy Rose made a million dollars net
Out of a tank and a one-piece bathing suit

The moon looks down from among the stars
Where lovers are parked in cars
And couples make whoopee on your lawn
While sex, S-E-X, marches on

Glasses across the table
Drink till the break of dawn
Drink to Lamarr and Betty Grable
Long may their oomph march on

And here's to Sheridan
To Garbo
And to Dietrich
And to Crawford 
And the others on the coast
Here's to Hollywood for sex marches on
And that's where it marches on the most

This may be yours and my day
But we will soon be gone
Ten thousand kids were born last Friday
Sex marches on
Sex, S-E-X, marches on

Glasses across the table
Drink till the break of dawn
To Robert Taylor and Clark Gable
Long may their oomph march on

And here's to beauty shops
To lip rouge
And mascara
And to perfume that is worth its weight in gold
Times are terrible but sex marches on
And ten million girdles have been sold

Fill up your empty glasses
Drink till the last drop's gone
Grandfather's old but still makes passes
Sex marches on
Sex, S-E-X, marches on

Washington grinds its axes
Incomes will soon be gone
Ladies of leisure don't pay taxes
Sex marches on
Sex, S-E-X, marches on


It's A Lovely Day Tomorrow

[VERSE:]
The front page of your paper is bound to make you sad
Especially if you're the worrying sort
So turn the front page over where the news is not so bad
There's consolation in the weather report

[REFRAIN:]
It's a lovely day tomorrow
Tomorrow is a lovely day

Come and feast your tear dimmed eyes
On tomorrow's clear blue skies

If today your heart is weary
If ev'ry little thing looks gray

Just forget your troubles and learn to say
Tomorrow is a lovely day


[alternate verse from British sheet music:]
When I was young my mother would watch me on the days when it would rain
She'd see me so unhappy my nose against the dripping windowpane
And I would hear her singing this refrain


Louisiana Purchase

Louisiana purchase, I'll tell you what it means
It means I'd like to sell you New Orleans
Come on, come on
And you all can go to town way down in New Orleans

Louisiana salesman with nothing in his jeans
That's why I'd like to sell you New Orleans
Come on, come on
And do all the things there are to do in New Orleans

Where does that heat come from?
That rhythmic beat come from?
And that red meat come from?
New Orleans

Louisiana purchase, I told you what it means
So won't you let me sell you New Orleans?
Come on, come on
And you all can go to town way down in New Orleans


Outside Of That, I Love You

[VERSE:]
What makes you think I'm crazy about you?
What makes you think I can't do without you?
I've looked you over carefully
And if I never see you again, it's soon enough for me

[1st REFRAIN:]
I hate the ground you walk upon
I hate the phone you talk upon
I hate 'most ev'rything that you do

I hate the table and the cloth you eat on
I hate the sofa that you rest your seat on

I hate the rouge upon your lips
The polish on your finger tips
I hate your eyes of heavenly blue

I hate the way you sigh, honest I do
Outside of that, I love you

[2nd REFRAIN:]
I hate the way you comb your hair
I hate the flashy clothes you wear
I hate the patent shine on your shoe

I hate the closet that you keep your clothes in
I hate the handkerchief you blow your nose in

I hate the smell of your cigar
The way you lean against a bar
I hate the jokes you tell that are blue

I hate that fancy tie, honest I do
Outside of that, I love you

[3rd REFRAIN:]
I hate the notes you write to me
The verses you recite to me
Your conversation flowing like glue

I hate the way you watch me through your lorgnette
I hate your children that have not been born yet

I hate the dates you fix for me
The cocktails that you mix for me
Those etchings you may want me to view

I hate the way you lie, honest I do
Outside of that, I love you

[4th REFRAIN:]
I hate the song you sing to me
I hate the flow'rs you bring to me
I hate your phony "How do you do?"

I hate the way you always break my dance up
I hate those rubber things that keep your pants up

I hate the cigarette you smoke
The way you kill a funny joke
I hate the brand of gum that you chew

I hate the way you lie, honest I do
Outside of that, I love you

[alternate lines in 1st chorus:]
I hate that funny little mouth you drink with
That peanut on your shoulders that you think with



You're Lonely And I'm Lonely

[VERSE:]
We're all alone and we're sad
Like two little babes in the wood
But things would not seem so bad
If we weren't quite so good
If we cuddled up as we should

[REFRAIN:]
You're lonely and I'm lonely
So why can't we be lonely together?

The night is young and while it grows older
We can forget, crying on each other's shoulder

The sky's cloudy 'cause we're lonely
But soon we'll see a change in the weather

Two lonely hearts beating as one
Can be mis'rable and still have a lot of fun


Dance with Me (Tonight at the Mardi Gras)

[VERSE:]
Tonight, I'll take you to the Mardi Gras 
Where we will dance and sing
Tonight, we'll hitch our wagon to a star
And be a Queen and King
Tonight, I'll take you to the masquerade
And all that I will ask
Tonight, is that I meet you unafraid
When you remove your mask

[REFRAIN:]
Come along and dance with me, dance with me
Into my arms and romance with me

As we walk down the street
Hear my heart miss a beat

Maybe you could fall for me, fall for me
And be the Belle of the Ball for me

We could be such a happy pair
Honest, I promised my heart we'd be there
So, come on and dance with me, dance with me
Tonight at the Mardi Gras


Finale: What's This We Hear?

[Louisianans:]
What's this we hear?
Please make it clear
Are we to understand a wedding is near?

[Jim?:]
Congratulations are in order
She's in love and her heart is gone

[Marina:]
I met a wonderful man
That's how it began

[Louisianans:]
Proving sex, S-E-X, marches on

[Loganberry:]
I don't know just what happened in that private dining room
I entered as a Senator and came out as a groom

[Marina:]
We were two lonely hearts beating as one

[Loganberry:]
Being mis'rable is oh! such a lot of fun

[Jim:]
I hate the lies you told to me
The bill of goods you sold to me
I hate the things that make you untrue
I hate your last goodbye, I honest I do

[Marina:]
Outside of that, I love you

[Loganberry:]
Ev'rybody drink with me, drink with me
Under the table come sink with me
Very happy am I
And I wish I knew why

[Louisianans:]
We'll be glad to drink with you, drink with you

[Jim?:]
A toast to the bride and groom

[Louisianans:]
Louisiana purchase, I'll tell you what it means
It means I'd like to sell you New Orleans


Latins Know How

[VERSE:]
In a magazine I read
Where a certain author said
That Latins are lousy lovers
And it's a lie
A libelous lie
And who, tell me, who should know better than I?

[REFRAIN:]
Latins, they don't play baseball
They're not so good with a rake or a plow
They're not experts at making money
But when it comes to making love
A Latin knows how

Latins, they don't like farming
You seldom see Latins milking a cow
In the daytime, they're always sleeping
But in the night without much light
A Latin knows how

Englishmen and Yankees
They've got quite a lot
But that extra something
They just haven't got

Latins, they're so romantic
They've got more oomph than the law will allow
If you're married to a Latin
Life is just smooth as satin 
For a Latin knows how


What Chance Have I With Love?

[VERSE:]
Love is beautiful, love is swell
Love is as sweet as a nut
Love is grander than tongue can tell
Love is remarkable but

[1st REFRAIN:]
Look at what it did to Romeo
It dealt poor Romey an awful blow
If love could do that to Romeo
What chance have I with love?

Look at what it did to Anthony
It made a "mark" out of Anthony
If love could do that to Anthony
What chance have I with love?

Look at what it did to Samson
'Til he lost his hair he was brave
If a haircut could weaken Samson
They could murder me with a shave

Louie Number Fifteen, King of France
They say he suffered with each romance
If love kicked him in the royal pants
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?

[2nd REFRAIN:]
Look at what it did to Adam
From that bite he could not escape
If an apple could finish Adam
They could knock me off with a grape

Miss Lucrezia Borgia, deep in sin
She poisoned her lovers when they dropped in
If they wound up with a Mickey Finn
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?

[3rd REFRAIN:]
Look what love did for Reno
It put Reno on the map
When a woman goes to Reno
It's because some man is a sap

Tommy Manville's love is not returned
He sells asbestos and he has learned
That with asbestos he still gets burned
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?

[alternate strain:]
Look at what it did to Bonaparte
He lost his head when he lost his heart
If he kicked over the apple cart
What chance have I
An ordinary guy
What chance have I with love?



Lord Done Fixed Up My Soul, The

[VERSE:]
I had a mammy for a nurse
When she could not be feeling worse
She'd take her troubles into church
And while the bells were ringing
She'd come out singing

[REFRAIN:]
The Lord done fixed up my eyes
I see Heaven way up there in the skies
Bless the Lord for fixin' my eyes

The Lord done fixed up my ears
I hear music like I ain't heard in years
Bless the Lord for fixin' my ears

The Lord done fixed up my heart
I got courage now
Ain't afraid somehow

The Lord done fixed up my soul
It was broken and the Lord made it whole
Bless the Lord for makin' my soul whole
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord, bless the Lord

[PATTER:]
Down to the river, we'll go down to the river
And we'll wash our sins away
Down to the river and we'll ask the Forgiver
For his praise on Judgment Day
And we'll bless our Lord and say


Fools Fall In Love

[VERSE:]
Why do I allow my heart to make decisions for me?
Why do I keep list'ning to my heart?
Why do I get so involved when I would rather be free?
Maybe it's because I'm not so smart

[REFRAIN:]
Fools fall in love
Only lunatics fall in love
And I'm a fool

Fools seek romance
Only idiots take the chance
And I'm a fool

I should be able to put all my feelings aside
I should be able to take one free ride in my stride

But fools cannot play
They get serious right away
And break the rule
My heart's on fire when I know I ought to keep cool
Fools fall in love and I'm such a fool


[2nd VERSE:]
Why do you get so involved when you would rather be free?
Why not give your heart what it may crave?
Why not let your heart decide the question, Which will it be:
Old man's darling or a young man's slave?


You Can't Brush Me Off

[1st VERSE:]
Why don't you just give in?
Just like a Siamese twin
I mean to stick to you
Until you do
I won't take it on the chin
You'll never leave me flat
I'm not a "last year's hat"
That you can cast aside
I've got my pride
And I won't stand for that

[1st REFRAIN:]
You can't brush me off
As you would a speck of powder
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can't shout me down
You can yell but I'll yell louder
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can say you're out but I'll keep phoning
You can tell me goodbye
You can tell me but I
Won't go
No

You can't leave me cold
As you would a plate of chowder
You may try but you can't brush me off

[2nd VERSE:]
What is this all about?
You've got me wrong, no doubt
I give you all my time
Believe me, I'm
Not looking for some way out
I want you for my wife
Sharing my care and strife
And that may not be fun
For when it's done
You're stuck with me for life

[2nd REFRAIN:]
You can't brush me off
As you would a poor relation
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can't leave me flat
Like a train down at the station
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can drop a hint but I won't take it
You may injure my pride
Still I'll never decide
To go
No

You can't send me out
As you would an invitation
You may try but you can't brush me off

[3rd REFRAIN:]
You can't brush me off
As you would a fresh mosquito
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can't rub me out
Like a spot on my tuxedo
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can cut me dead but I won't mind it
You may injure my pride
Still I'll never decide
To go
No

You can't drop me fast
As you would a live torpedo
You may try but you can't brush me off

[4th REFRAIN:]
You can't brush me off
Like a colored pullman porter
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can't lock me out
Like a frightened farmer's daughter
You may try but you can't brush me off

You can drop a hint but I won't take it
You can tell me bad news
I intend to refuse
To go
No

You can't give me back
As you would a leaded quarter
You may try but you can't brush me off

[Possible coda:]
You can't brush me off as you would your aunt
'Cause you can't
No, you can't
You can't brush me off


Finale Ultimo: Somebody Handed Us a Ticket to Picket

[Louisianans:]
Somebody handed us a ticket to picket
They want pickets so here we are

[Loganberry:] Pickets?

[Louisianans:] Yes, pickets!

[Madame Bordelaise:] It's a trick, a trick!

[Jim:]
You know that it's a fact
That since the Wagner Act
The head of labor says
That a candidate for prez
Mustn't cross a picket line

[Louisianans:] Mustn't cross a picket line


[Marina:]
With labor you'll be through
They will never vote for you
If you cross a picket line

[Louisianans:]
If you cross a picket line
Yes, a candidate for president must never cross a picket line

[Madame Bordelaise:] 
Don't listen to the pickets, Ollie, dear
Let's go inside, it means your whole career

[Loganberry:]
A candidate can leave his party flat
And wind up on the opposition ticket
He can double-cross his other brother rat
But he mustn't hurt the feelings of a picket

[Louisianans:]
No, he mustn't hurt the feelings of a picket
Louisiana purchase, I told you what it means
So won't you let me sell you New Orleans
Come on, come on
And you all can go to town way down in New Orleans


I'd Love to be Shot from a Cannon with You

[VERSE:]
I'm tired of doing the same things over and over again
You must admit that it's a bore
I keep longing for a change
Something different, something strange
That we have never done before

[REFRAIN:]
I'd love to be shot from a cannon with you
Now that's something diff'rent that I'd like to do
We'd float through the air in a way that
I never could forget the day that
I was shot from a cannon with you

I'd love to be caught in a mousetrap with you
We're hungry and so there is one thing to do
We'd soon hear a couple of mouses
Yell out, "They ate our cheese, the louses!"
When I'm caught in a mousetrap with you

I'd love to escape a hotel room with you
We'd open the window and quickly jump through
And just when we get to the bottom
The cameraman says, "Cut! I got 'em!"
When I'm in a hotel room with you


It'll Come to You

[VERSE:]
When life catches up with the flaming youth
Someone tries to tell them the awful truth
I would send them ignorant on their way
To those little innocents I would say

[1st REFRAIN:]
Don't worry so about the things that you don't know
When the time comes and you find yourself in love
It'll come to you, you'll know what to do, it'll come to you

Don't be concerned about the things you haven't learned
If you can't express just what you're thinking of
It'll come to you, you'll know what to do, it'll come to you

No one teaches a duck how to swim or a bird how to fly
They're not taught to do what they ought to do
Why should you and I?

Don't be afraid because you're such a bashful maid
When you're strolling 'neath the silv'ry moon
You may be shy but pretty soon
It'll come to you, you'll know what to do, it'll come to you

[2nd REFRAIN:]
Don't start to plan to rebuff a fresh young man
When you're in a cab and he starts making free
It'll come to you, you'll know what to do, it'll come to you

Don't lie awake and think of answers you might make
When he starts to put his hand upon your knee
It'll come to you, you'll know what to do, it'll come to you

No one teaches a mule how to kick or a dog how to bite
They know what to do and what not to do
When they're out at night

Don't be undone because the first round has been won
He begins to think that you're a dunce
It seems you're lost, then all at once
It'll come to you, you'll know what to do, it'll come to you


Wild About You

[VERSE:]
I'm not a McCormack, I haven't a voice
I loosen my vocals but never by choice
Still I've a song to sing
And I long to sing it for you
It isn't a ballad with plenty of heart
It hasn't the rhythm that's clever and smart
Just a tune with words that rhyme
That I wrote to say that I'm

[REFRAIN:]
Wild about you
The child about you 
Makes me wild about you
If I were a native of Borneo 
I couldn't be wilder about you

Mad about you
The bad about you 
Makes me mad about you
If I were the Hatter in Wonderland 
I couldn't be madder about you

That's my story
And I'll stick to it, dear
In case you didn't listen
In case you didn't hear

Wild about you
The child about you 
Makes me wild about you
If I were a tiger in Africa 
I couldn't be wilder about you